Christmas Eve in Iraq.

I've got another meeting in about 15 minutes so I'll send this off quickly. It's Christmas Eve and for most of us Advisors it is just another day on the front lines. We are even more strung out than we were on Thanksgiving given the fact that our American Partner Unit is leaving to go home and has pulled out of all operations. The new unit is not quiet ready to start and so we are doing it alone.
In our sector we have the Iraqi Brigade we advise and 43 American advisors and 39 augmented troops. That's it. Of those 90 we have a minimum of 48 active 24/7. We have no down time and we have no reserve. We have no spare vehicles when they break and we have no spare crews if they break.
Of course when the new unit is ready we'll be plussed up...but then again, the unit who was supposed to plus us up hasn't given us dick since they've been here. BUT- in the words of their own Commander, "I'm not gonna get my guys killed when someone else can do the job."
So, yeah, I'm feeling a bit tired and down on this holiday. I am far away from my family doing a job nobody else wants and that noboby else cares even happens. If Iraqi soldiers die, who cares. At least it isn't Americans.

only a few more weeks.

dutch- going back to work

(oh...the pic?...that's me in a 'hawk doing the recon thang...)

Q & A with Dutch

Today I am going to sort through the billions of letters I've recieved since starting this blog and answer some of your questions.

Q. Dutch, You make the Army sound really f*cked up. It is really this bad?

A. No. Due to security restrictions I can't go into detail on many things. It's much worse.

Q. Are Air Force girls really slutty or did you make that up?

A. I have no idea. Check out www.sluttyairforcegirlsforyou.com and you can make up your own mind.

Q. I find it offensive that you make fun of logistics and support soldiers.

A. OK, not really a question here, but I'll answer anyway. So?

Q. If the Army is so screwed up why don't you leave?

A. Ah, good question. Two reasons, I am in a critical MOS and they won't let me out, and B: I enjoy my job no matter how stupid it gets and what retard they put in charge of me.

Q. What is your political stance.

A. I am a drunkard. (thanks Rick!)

Q. Do you think the US should take part in this illegal war in Iraq.

A. Sh*t yeah! Better than OC-ing the National Guard in FT Polk all summer!

Q. Have you found any WMDs?

A. I have found chemicals here. I found bombs here, I have found guns, ammunition, explosives, hell...we've found everything but a good source for beer. There are more things that will make you go "Hmmm....." than a invite to a Michael Jackson Slumber Party. Have I found a big pile of crap that has a sign on it spelled WMDs? Nope. Still got about a zillion square miles to look through. Hell...we're still finding old weapon piles in BAGHDAD!

Q. What is your take on the War On Terror.

A. Let me misquote Ol' Winny Churchill. "Let's fight them on the beaches, let's fight them in the cities, Let's fight them in any country...for we will never surrender."

Q. How can I be a superhero like you and fight Terrorists!

A. Kid, it takes decades to get this jaded. Good luck...you're gonna need it.

Q. What do you miss most about the USA?

A. My wife and kids.

Q. What do you like about Iraq?

A. It's free now.

Q. Do you think you'll have to go fight again once you get home?

A. Yeah. Probably. This war isn't over yet. Iraq is but one operation in the war. I hope I don't. But I'd rather have to go fight in another country than to watch 3000 more of our people die in an attack.

Q. Do you want me?

A. Opps...wrong list....


OK, that's about enough of that. Keep sending those cards and letters folks, we're running low on toliet paper.

dutch- out

Concerning FOBbits.

FOBbits are creatures who live in holes. These may either be physical, as in concrete bunkers, or mental, as in a total belief that every Iraqi is out to get them. Because of this second one, many of the FOBbits display DCSS, Delusional Combat Stress Syndrome.

A FOB, of course, is a Forward Operating Base. They are what once called a firebase before that term got too politically incorrect. A FOBbit then, is one who’s entire existence is lived out in one of these politically correct firebases. (see Sea-Monkeys)

Some will defend the FOBbit’s existence saying, “Without the support they provide we could not win the war.” This is entirely correct. I respect the poor little things whose only reason for getting up in the morning is to ensure I have bullets to blow the enemy away with. I respect them a hella lot more than some of my commanders.

However, there is a problem sometimes with FOBbits. Sometimes they begin to believe that THEY are the sole reason for existence. They sometimes believe I support them, or worse yet, my guys are nothing more than a nuisance to their continued existence. These self-important slugs sit in their offices and e-mail out demands, work 9 to 5, can’t do anything without a signature in triplicate and generally frown when you wear muddy boots into their…clean little lives.

BUT- for every one FOBbit whose ass graces a chair there is a Support Puke who goes out of their way to help those of us who wear muddy boots. Willy and Joe knew these guys and loved ‘em just like we do today. However, this article is concerning FOBbits…and so I’ll sweep out the good and retain the bad…for now.

To help you understand our little group has come up with some criteria to help you spot a FOBbit:

You may be a FOBbit if: (stolen, obviously, from an idea by Jeff Foxworthy)

You state your weapon is only for show.
Your weapon has either a sock in the mag well, or have a bag covering the whole damn thing.
You care what uniform arming status is.
You confuse thunder with incoming.
You have your own bunker.
Your body armor and helmet have to be dusted off before you put them on.
You travel to the Iraqi side of base escorted by three M1114s…in full battle rattle.
You live in your own secured compound, with private contract security guards, your own mess hall, your own laundry, your own trailers with real toilets, accessed only with a special photo ID you’ve created yourself…inside the FOB. (our higher headquarters).
You state, “This is only the second time I’ve left the IZ”…and you are in the mess hall…on TAJI FOB.
Someone has to show you how to clear your weapon.
You notice the food today at the mess hall is not too bad…rather than the slutty Air Force babes at the next table.
You rotate back to the states and no one notices…or cares.
You fasten your seatbelt.
You have to think about how to justify your CAB.
‘We got us a convoy!’ means a bunch of you are headed over to the MWR to watch a movie.
You think a safety brief is written on the side of a pack of razors.
All the girls at the beauty shop know your first name. (yes, Taji has a beauty shop)
You have never violated any part of General Order # 1.
You have never violated any part of AR 670-1.
You salute.
Your PT uniform is faded more than your DCUs.
Your DCUs are starched and pressed. (MAJ Clarke)
Those f****** advisors at the next table keep looking at you and laughing.
You turn in any illegal weapons you find.
You say, “Gee, I’d like to go with you on a mission sometime.”
You have no idea what MacDonnal’s is.
You brag about how many missions you’ve had…and it’s less than 20.
You brag about the ONE time you were blown up by an IED.
You think the CASH is that green crap in your wallet.
You start any sentence with, “Well, according to the regulation…”


Of course, there are entire organizations over here that are little colonies of FOBbits. These are have cute little names made up of letters to camouflage their FOBbitness. Let’s start at the top and work our way down, shall we?

MNC-I = Mostly Non-Competent Idiots
MNSTC-I = Mainly did Nothing to Support the Troops under our Command in Iraq
CMATT = Can’t Manage Anything Today or Tomorrow
CPATT = Can’t Possibly Attempt That Today
IAG = It’s Anyone’s Guess
BSU = Bull Sh*t, Usually

…and then there are organizations with names that have a different definition than what it sounds like;

Phoenix Academy (known to the non-FOBbits as the Emerald City) = Please don’t think we will Help you, Only thing that Exists in our minds is Not our subordinate units but If we can make our X-sistance more comfortable. Actually, C, A wall around our compound is A Demonstration that in Effect My comfort is more important than Yours.

Dutch- out

VP's visit

As if things aren't crazy enough, Vice-President Dick Chaney stopped by for lunch today. He looked very healthy and spoke to us advisors for a while before he had to leave for his next appointment.

I almost forgot to take a picture.

dutch-out

Sh*theads leave, soldiers rejoice

Our continuing odyssey to return to the land of Cheeseburgers and Lap dances has taken another twist. Four of the Majors assigned to the team have returned home early. Now, all four of these ‘leaders’ are pretty much worthless and so their leaving is being celebrated by those of us who have actually…contributed to the…er…whatever it is that we are trying to do.

One of those is the Major who took over my Battalion Team and then fired me. I haven’t heard any good reports about him since, not that that surprises me. He’s leaving early is just one more proof in my eyes that he is…well…worthless.

One of the others is my current ‘boss’, Major E. He hasn’t left the wire since we’ve been here. To call him a coward puts cowards in a bad light. Of course he IS a Transportation Major, so his loss is also being celebrated.

The third Major, Major B…well…hm…how to put this…is a fruitcake. He is in the words of one soldier here a “pain in the ass, know-it-all, chasing his own tail, mutha-f*cka.” He is our Brigade S-3, or Operations Officer. Since we’ve been here he hasn’t done anything productive except have meetings where he ponders why the number don’t add up. There has been no mission planning, Development of the Operations Cell…nothing. There is more than one person here who truly thinks he is a closet Homosexual. Needless to say, his leaving is being celebrated, too.

The forth is Major Sack (not his real name…it is Ball…). The terms worthless and mutha-f*cka just don’t seem to bring the picture into focus. I won’t waste digital ink to talk anymore about him.

The end result of all this is that the rest of the team which remains has to be re-arranged as to cover the positions left vacant.

…I’ve been selected to be the new Brigade S-3.

&%#^@)(@&#%#^&@&*!!!!

All the return to the states planning Major B was supposed to be doing and hasn’t is now my responsibility.

ANYWAY- we are now being scheduled to return shortly after the first of the year. We are still working on the connex issue for shipping our gear home, orders, awards, etc etc etc.

BUT- maybe in 21 to 28 days we should be landing in the US.

Oh…yes…the election went very very well…of course you haven’t heard about it in the US Media.

Gotta go try to find a ride home…

Dutch-out

Understanding the military mind:

yes...I stole this, modified it and am now publishing it...screw you, hippy!

12 Step Program for the Military

1. I am in the military, I do not have a problem. You have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:* Time has a zero or ends in a hundred, it is 0530 or 1400 it is not 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early)(unless you are a NG or reservist…and then you are a retard).
* We use words like deck, rack, SP, RP, Objective, MNMP, PT, PLF, and Alpha Alpha. They mean something.
* "F***" is used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, similar to "um".
* “F***” is used in addition with almost any other word to enhance that word. F***-Stick, F*******-Dumb-A**, etc etc.
* Grunting is talking. HOAH! is not grunting.
* Occasionally we channel Gorillas- just stand still and do not make eye contact.
* Conversations on a phone end in "over", and if you don’t outrank me don’t say “Out”.

3. Style:
* Civilian dress is authorized only if you have to. Normally your wife or girlfriend makes that decision.
* Creases in your jeans are signs of discipline.
* Same with creases on the front of your dress shirts.
* Hair longer than 2 inches is an apprenticeship to being a hippy.
* A high and tight is strac.
* Unless you have a weapon on your hip, a cover (hat) indoors makes you a retard.
* You have to wear a belt ALL the time, not to mention a shirt, pants, socks, boots, and if outdoors…a cover.

4. Women:
* Remember the three rules, 1) Never use your own name. 2) Never ask their age. 3) Never record in any way anything that happens.
* Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the [groinal region] if you treat them like Air Force girls.
* Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
* Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:
* In the ‘real’ world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
* Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
* How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
* The number of tattoos you have equals nothing.
* The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:
* In the old days we had a two beer max on lunch. Now we are allowed to think about beer…if you are 21.
* Social drinking is completely dependant on fact that your commander was prior enlisted. If so then yes. If a ring knocking p*ssy boy, then no.
* Although drinking is a bonding event between warriors, reduces stress, and generally is looked at by society as something not too bad if done in moderation, Clinton’s administration decided that we’d rather have gays in the military.

6. Bodily functions:
* Farting is natures’ way of saying the mess hall food is working.
* The size of the dump you took yesterday, how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled is a topic for after the command and staff meeting.
* You ‘shouldn’t’ make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
* STDs will also not be funny. Sex is completely off limits. (see drinking and Clinton)

7. The human body:
* Most people in the ‘real’ world will not want to hear about your [groinal region]. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
* Scars are generally viewed as distasteful in the ‘real’ world. We see them as badges of honor, or stupidity…depending on how you got them.
* 15% body fat means you get to do fat-boy PT.
* Sex is nature’s way for telling you: you are still alive. Of course, so is football.

8. Spending habits:
* Regardless of what the civilians think we have enough money to cover the basics, beer, pizza, gas for the car.
* Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea, Private.
* Spending money on video games is a manual dexterity training expense.
* Tipping the waitress is a good idea. She generally has a sh*ttier job than you do.

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA THEM):
* Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat is discouraged.
* Hitting on your fat neighbors beautiful wife (or daughter) is like-wize…discouraged.
* If they ask, then yes, JAG is very realistic. (try not to giggle)
* Shooting someone for cutting you off is viewed as bad. Apparently they haven’t heard about VBIEDs.
* Setting a trip-wired Claymore to stop the guy stealing your newspaper is also viewed as bad. Go Figure.
* Cleaning your weapons on the front porch is also…well…you get the picture.
* In fact, almost everything we do is viewed as bad.

10. Living in the real world:
* They really can fire you.
* On the flip side you really can quit.
* Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
* Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
* Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800
* Most of the civilians think we are trained killers. Let them think that.
* Ex-military types know better so be careful who you bullsh*t.

11. The Law:
* Non-judicial punishment does not exist to save you from prison.
* If you smoke that ‘J’ you will come up hot on the piss test, but I am still taking you to Iraq. I need people to burn shit over there for a year…I’ll kick you out when we get back.
* Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
* Fighting your fellow soldiers is frowned upon. If you win, it is slightly less frowned upon.

12. General knowledge:
* You can not, in fact, really say what you think about the President in public.
* Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
* Civilians won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
* Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time

MACIraq

There is just so much I want to comment on and can not due to the security rules about commenting on Operations, Events, Places, Names…so I’ll tell you about my trip to Baghdad and my experience with the Iraqi Court System.

I got up early in the morning for my ride down to the IZ via Blackhawk. Dawn had just crested the horizon when we boarded and our flight was smooth. Looking down as we flew I was once again surprised by the greenness of this part of Iraq. The Land Between the Rivers is rich with farmland and feeds the entire country.

Below me were fields upon fields dotted here and there with flat roofed houses. Canals cut across the landscape feeding the crops with water from the Tigris. Modernisms blurred the ancient images I could see stretching westward into the desert.

Flying over Baghdad we could see the traffic in the streets and the people on their way to work. Children walked to school dressed in their uniforms of dark trousers and white shirts and dresses. Women gathered at the corner market to buy food for the day. Everywhere were satellite dishes for the TVs.

We landed inside the International Zone and were met by SPC Skippy, our legal …er… handler. He walked us over to the parking lot and told us that we’d have a convoy brief in about 45 minute. I walked over to the coffee house and had a cappuccino.

45 minutes later Navy Chief McScruff (JAG...oh, brother I am laughing so hard...) gave us our safety briefing. He went into a lot of detail about what to do if this, what to do if that. It was more detailed than the briefings I give for a 200 km route security convoy…When it was over I had to ask him,

“How far are we going?”

“About a mile and a half.”

“…and we are not leaving the IZ?” said I, confused as to the details.

“…er….No.”

I blinked my eyes several times in confusion. “So…how many times have you been attacked inside the IZ?”

He looked at me sheepishly, “um….none.”

Hey, look…I’m not putting the guy down because he was being safe. All the more power to him. It’s just that while I was inside the ‘secure zone’ in Baghdad everybody acted like the Chinese were about to attack south over the border.

One more ‘IZ Warrior’ quote and I’ll let it rest.

“We got mortared again last night.” Spoke PVT Schmedlap in a halting voice.

“Oh, yeah? Where did it hit?” I asked.

“uh…I’m not sure. I didn’t really hear it.”

OK. Maybe he was sleeping so soundly that he didn’t hear it, but if you don’t see it land or hear it explode then you don’t get to say “We got mortared…”

But hey…they’re fighting the war.

ANYWAY…what were we talking about…

Ah, yes..

So we drive the mile and a half and the security detachment springs out to provide 360 security. I am giggling like a little school girl, but trying to hide it because these kids are trying to do the right thing. We walk the 300 meters or so to the courthouse surrounded by heavily armed MPs. Once there we go into the room set aside of US witnesses and ‘down’ our body armor, helmets, and rifles.

And we wait…

…seems the bus carrying the prisoners broke down.

At 11.30 they arrive and my case is up first. I admit I am nervous about the whole thing because I don’t want to screw it up. I am taken up to the courtroom and met the judge.

I am not sure what I expected the court to be like, but I am sure it isn’t this. We are in a 30 ft by 30 ft room that looks like a law office. The judge is there, a scribe, the US lawyer, a translator, and the Iraqi lawyer.

The prisoners are escorted in by six guards. They wear the typical Orange jumpsuits seen in all the newsreels.

The judge asks me to tell him what happened. I do. He asks a few questions. I answer. He asks the US Lawyer if she has anything to say. She doesn’t. I leave.

40 minutes tops.

No cross-exam, no defendee comments, no piece of candy and a balloon when I leave.

Whoa…what the hell just happened?

I catch a ride back to the flight line and jump on a bird heading back to our base. I get to see the same surreal sites (you can’t explain this place…I’ll try sometime but it just…defies…attempts….to understand…)

And I am home.
Long day. Two prisoners found guilty. I get a pretty tour of Baghdad via Blackhawk.

Another typical day as an Advisor to the Iraqi Army came to a close leaving me wondering, “What the hell was that all about?”

Dutch- out

I gotta go do WHAT?

So anyway, tomorrow I have to fly to Baghdad for a trial.

That’s right. In a middle of a war zone I have been subpoenaed. It seems that two persons who we captured during a cordon and search are going to court. This happened in August. Not to bad, really, with all the rest of the crazy crap going on over here. Only three months to get a court case before the bench.

It’s pretty much a slam-dunk case…in my opinion. These two guys tried to drive out of our search area and when we stopped them they fled on foot. We chased them down, and with help of helo FLIR, had eyes on them the entire time. Inside the car was everything needed to make a VBIED. It just wasn’t hooked up yet.

Witnesses stated the two were often in the area with different cars. They claim it isn’t their car…which I do not doubt. Are you going to make a car bomb out of your own car?

So, it should go pretty smooth…unless Ramsey Clarke shows up to defend them, I suppose.

In other news we are preparing for the National Elections next week. It will be crazy around here until the 18th or so. Everyone thinks not to much will happen, a repeat of the November vote on the constitution.

Of course the Leftist-Defeatist-Democrats will no doubt use this as the Tet Offensive they so desperately seem to seek in everything that happens over here. Any event that happens will be seen as a failure. I don’t know why they even pretend that they support us over here.

We are still not sure when we are leaving to come home. The projected dates are between JAN 06 and the Apocalypse. Too many idiots in charge in the higher positions. Too many part time soldiers who don’t know what they are doing are trying to be in charge.

The ‘officer’ who was working our re-deployment LTC Simmons (yes, I used this dirt-bags name) left country before doing anything to get us out of here, without telling us he was leaving, and without giving our information to anyone else. So, basically, he abandoned us here so he could go home early.

This is getting to be typical of the attitude by senior officers anymore. “I got my ticket punched and so I have to get home to get a good re-assignment.” No one cares about their soldiers anymore, as long as their report card looks good.

The higher ups take no responsibility for any action. They will find ways to push that responsibility down to the soldier. This is why they are doing ‘Risk Assessment Cards’, Briefings where the soldier signs a sheet saying he was briefed on the dangers of…blaa blaa blaa… So if something goes wrong, and it’s a combat situation so things do go wrong…the senior officers can say…”LOOK! I told them to be safe…It’s not my fault!”

Cover Your Ass = Field Grade Officer
Besides all this, the lack of support from the Left, the Media, the criminal incompetence of the senior ranks in the military, the greed and graft from the contractors, not to mention all the above found in the Iraqi Government and Military, the soldiers on the ground are busting their asses and making a positive impact on the people of Iraq.

We are doing good here.

Dutch- out

December

It's getting harder and harder to write. The days are just blurring into one another as mission after mission come and go. We are so close to being out of here and yet we don't know when we are leaving. It is getting some of the guys down not knowing when our plane home will take off.

We keep reading in the news how we are loosing. Senators tell us we are broken and worn out. They say we have not made any progress.

What the hell do they know. They've been losing the war since we've started fighting back against the islamists. All they care about is making the US look bad. Now we have a former AG defending Saddam Hussian! WTF? It makes you think that what we need to do is come home and clean out the whole rat's nest in Washington DC.

I went down to Baghdad the other day to check on a couple of my guys who were wounded by a VBIED. We brought one home with minor injuries but the other remained in ICU with injuries to his neck and face. One soldier never made it to the hospital.

All three were Iraqi soldiers fighting to make their country better. If you want to be shallow you can think of it as an Iraqi soldier died so one American soldier could live.

How can those idiots in the senate think we are not making progress? This time last year there were no Iraqi units on the street. Today my entire Brigade is on the ground with T-55s and BMPs patrolling and executing combat missions.

They are totally out of touch with what is going on here.

maybe 35 days left in country...

dutch- out