Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Understanding the military mind:

yes...I stole this, modified it and am now publishing it...screw you, hippy!

12 Step Program for the Military

1. I am in the military, I do not have a problem. You have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:* Time has a zero or ends in a hundred, it is 0530 or 1400 it is not 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early)(unless you are a NG or reservist…and then you are a retard).
* We use words like deck, rack, SP, RP, Objective, MNMP, PT, PLF, and Alpha Alpha. They mean something.
* "F***" is used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, similar to "um".
* “F***” is used in addition with almost any other word to enhance that word. F***-Stick, F*******-Dumb-A**, etc etc.
* Grunting is talking. HOAH! is not grunting.
* Occasionally we channel Gorillas- just stand still and do not make eye contact.
* Conversations on a phone end in "over", and if you don’t outrank me don’t say “Out”.

3. Style:
* Civilian dress is authorized only if you have to. Normally your wife or girlfriend makes that decision.
* Creases in your jeans are signs of discipline.
* Same with creases on the front of your dress shirts.
* Hair longer than 2 inches is an apprenticeship to being a hippy.
* A high and tight is strac.
* Unless you have a weapon on your hip, a cover (hat) indoors makes you a retard.
* You have to wear a belt ALL the time, not to mention a shirt, pants, socks, boots, and if outdoors…a cover.

4. Women:
* Remember the three rules, 1) Never use your own name. 2) Never ask their age. 3) Never record in any way anything that happens.
* Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the [groinal region] if you treat them like Air Force girls.
* Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
* Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:
* In the ‘real’ world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
* Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
* How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
* The number of tattoos you have equals nothing.
* The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:
* In the old days we had a two beer max on lunch. Now we are allowed to think about beer…if you are 21.
* Social drinking is completely dependant on fact that your commander was prior enlisted. If so then yes. If a ring knocking p*ssy boy, then no.
* Although drinking is a bonding event between warriors, reduces stress, and generally is looked at by society as something not too bad if done in moderation, Clinton’s administration decided that we’d rather have gays in the military.

6. Bodily functions:
* Farting is natures’ way of saying the mess hall food is working.
* The size of the dump you took yesterday, how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled is a topic for after the command and staff meeting.
* You ‘shouldn’t’ make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
* STDs will also not be funny. Sex is completely off limits. (see drinking and Clinton)

7. The human body:
* Most people in the ‘real’ world will not want to hear about your [groinal region]. Odd as that may seem, it's true.
* Scars are generally viewed as distasteful in the ‘real’ world. We see them as badges of honor, or stupidity…depending on how you got them.
* 15% body fat means you get to do fat-boy PT.
* Sex is nature’s way for telling you: you are still alive. Of course, so is football.

8. Spending habits:
* Regardless of what the civilians think we have enough money to cover the basics, beer, pizza, gas for the car.
* Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea, Private.
* Spending money on video games is a manual dexterity training expense.
* Tipping the waitress is a good idea. She generally has a sh*ttier job than you do.

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA THEM):
* Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat is discouraged.
* Hitting on your fat neighbors beautiful wife (or daughter) is like-wize…discouraged.
* If they ask, then yes, JAG is very realistic. (try not to giggle)
* Shooting someone for cutting you off is viewed as bad. Apparently they haven’t heard about VBIEDs.
* Setting a trip-wired Claymore to stop the guy stealing your newspaper is also viewed as bad. Go Figure.
* Cleaning your weapons on the front porch is also…well…you get the picture.
* In fact, almost everything we do is viewed as bad.

10. Living in the real world:
* They really can fire you.
* On the flip side you really can quit.
* Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
* Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
* Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800
* Most of the civilians think we are trained killers. Let them think that.
* Ex-military types know better so be careful who you bullsh*t.

11. The Law:
* Non-judicial punishment does not exist to save you from prison.
* If you smoke that ‘J’ you will come up hot on the piss test, but I am still taking you to Iraq. I need people to burn shit over there for a year…I’ll kick you out when we get back.
* Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
* Fighting your fellow soldiers is frowned upon. If you win, it is slightly less frowned upon.

12. General knowledge:
* You can not, in fact, really say what you think about the President in public.
* Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
* Civilians won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
* Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time


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