What did they say is for sure?

So I am sitting here not sleeping, which is what I do now for about half the time it seems, thinking about dying.

Morbid little twit, ain't I?

The reason I am in such a state of flux is that for the last few months, since I've gotten back from Iraq, I have not been feeling too well. It started out just after the move here to Indianapolis and the new job. I was feeling down and tired all the time. I thought it was because of Post-combat stress bullshit, mostly. I would get tired just walking up the stairs sometimes...sometimes not, though.

At night I would walk up in a sweat. Not every night, but quite afew. i thoguht that it was just my wife, who likes the house warmer than I do, and thought nothing of it.

I have lost a few pounds, but I was trying to. Not many. Just a few.

Then in July I got a cold. I had a cough and ran a fever on a few days. I took stuff and I felt better. Still tired all the time. Tired enough I talked to my wife about it. And my Senior Sergeant.

Nerves, probably, we all thought. Being home and all, new job, home...

But the cough wouldn't go away, and finally when we brought our last unit out of the training FOB on Atterburry I went in to see the medics. I thought a lung infection or some such trivial thing.

That was ten days ago. They found something not right in my chest x-rays. My lymph-nodes were swollen in my chest.

I was sent down to Knox for a full CT scan. Sent to a pulminary specialist in Indy. I had blood work done. More x-rays, breathing tests...

All the easy stuff that it could have been isn't. The antibiotics are not working. I have lost fifteen pounds in ten days. My cough is dry, and consistant. The lymph nodes in the chest and right arm are swollen.

I had a full set of biopsies done last thursday. We should here about the results by next monday or so.

I find myself not scared at what it may be but annoyed because I have so many things I want to do...and now I don't know what is going to happen.

I am just tired all the time. My wife wants to do everything for me. God that pisses me off. I don;t even know what is wrong yet and people are treating me like I am...well...dying. I don;t even want to be around people until I know what is going on.

When we have results then I'll know what is to be done...until then...it's like waiting for the green light to jump into a hot LZ. You just want it to be over.

fuck. I hate waiting.